Learning about the experiences of my clients during their formative years provides me a window into who they are and how they see the world. We are molded and shaped by the messages we receive when we are young - whether positive or negative, direct or indirect. Often these messages are such a common part of our daily lives that we don't notice them slowly becoming our truth. They may be in the form of "unwritten" family rules or they may be clearly stated values that parents intentionally instill in their children. Even children from the best families enter adulthood with skewed worldviews and negative beliefs about themselves. Identifying these messages and where they originated allows for redefining our values, beliefs and ultimately our sense of self. After years of providing psychotherapy to others, I have had the opportunity to reflect on my own upbringing and the messages I received. I am a very different version of myself now and have learned a few things along the way - things that my younger self would be surprised to know. If I could tell her, this is what I would say...
Dear younger Shana:
Growing up is hard. You may not realize it yet, but adolescence is a lot like middle management - you have all of the responsibility but none of the control. For many, growing up is a smooth and seamless process, while for others, it is a bumpy ride. We all lose that youthful innocence at some point in our lives, but for some that loss of innocence occurs much too early. For you, the childhood freedoms will be short-lived.
At some point you will learn what alcohol is and what it means when your parent is drunk. You will learn that your parent acts differently when he is drinking - and you will eventually learn how to avoid the cutting remarks, embarrassing situations, angry outbursts and the over-emotional wallowing. The changes will occur gradually and you won't remember learning all that you know. It's funny how that works. You will go to school and get good grades and pretend that everything is normal. At home, however, tensions will be thick and the evenings will be unpredictable.
Having a parent with a significant substance use problem will impact the entire family. The laughter will slowly fade and time together will give way to each person finding their own places of solace outside of the house. On the outside, you will maintain the facade that the family is fully functional for as long as possible. You each take your turn doing your part to keep the family secret and not to allow others to know the hurt and pain you are holding. After a particularly late night of drunken chaos you will make excuses for being tired and unprepared at school. You will make excuses for why your parent is not available. You will explain away why you never invite any of your friends to your home. And you will all do this in an orchestrated way without ever talking about what is happening.
You will experience a lot of heavy feelings. You will feel lonely and isolated. You will feel misunderstood. You will feel like an imposter and that you don't fit in. As you navigate the challenges of a dysfunctional family, you will begin to internalize the messages that you are not enough, that you cannot trust others, and that lying is easier than the truth. You will create a version of yourself that protects your insecure sense of self and keeps others from truly seeing you. You will become an expert at avoiding conflict and telling others what they need to hear to feel good. You will fly under the radar sacrificing your needs and putting others ahead of yourself as you dream about a future that you insist will be different for your own family.
And then, you will realize that not every family is like this. That there is a name for the dysfunction. And, that the damage can be corrected. And you will realize that there is a name for the person who helps people who hurt. It will take some time to unlearn and relearn but you will find your purpose and that purpose will provide new meaning and direction for you.
I wish you could know now how your hurt and pain will be redeemed and used to help others! I wish that you could see how your struggles will be a rich source of empathy to draw upon as you sit with others in their time of pain. I wish you could see that your story is just beginning and that as the years go by you will barely recognize this earlier version of yourself - you will find your voice, your confidence, and your worth. And I wish for you that you could learn these lessons without having to go through the fire:
It is not your responsibility to manage others' emotions.
You don't have to work so hard or hide yourself to be loved or to keep people in your life.
Open your eyes and look beyond your small world because there is so much out there that is good.
The world is not against you - be kind, be generous, root for others.
Experience the moments rather than checking off milestones.
Be patient and respect yourself.
It is okay (and actually healthy) to need others - you don't need to do it all by yourself.
Most importantly, I wish you could know that you will find forgiveness. You will not only make it through, you will thrive. You will heal. And, when you sit down to write a letter to your younger self, your first memories will be the laughter, the games you played with your siblings, the family car rides to visit your grandparents, family meals around the table, and holiday traditions. And you will smile as a tear rolls down your cheek.
Until then, hang on to the love you know. Ground yourself in the knowledge that there is something better waiting for you, and in the anticipation that one day you will be the hope for others who experience a lot of heavy feelings, feel lonely and isolated, feel misunderstood and like an imposter in their own skin. It will be worth it!
Lovingly yours,
Older and wiser Shana (AKA Dr. Shana Markle)
When children feel safe and protected they are free to mature in developmentally appropriate ways. But, when children learn too early that the world is an unfair and unsafe place, they are required to grow up and manage the complexities of life before they have the capacity to do so. One of the things I have learned through my work as a psychologist is that most people do the best they can with what they have available to them at the time. Our parents and caregivers are people who, like us, are growing up and figuring it out for themselves.
Maybe like me, you have found yourself holding on to some of the messages you received when you were younger. What are some messages that you had to unlearn? What does forgiveness look like for you? Where do you find your purpose and your worth? My hope for you is that you can have compassion on the younger version of yourself, and that as you learn and grow you will have a sense of pride as you write your new story.
Happy Trails,
Shana